Crazy For You (Last Frontier Lodge Novels Book 8) Page 15

  Confused and anxious, she asked, “Huh?”

  “That something like that would mess up a relationship. Why should it matter? I mean, if you love someone, you love them,” he explained. “I’m guessing it was hard to learn you couldn’t get pregnant, but it’s not like there aren’t other options. Plenty of people adopt. Plenty of people don’t have kids and are damn happy about it.”

  Violet stared at him, so many emotions circling inside she could hardly focus. The sense of relief that washed through her was immense. These were all the things she thought when Ted unceremoniously announced he couldn’t consider marrying her if children were out of the question. At the time, she’d been scrambling to shore up her own emotions about her infertility, so she hadn’t had it in her to think about adoption. In the two years since, she’d thought about it plenty. She didn’t particularly want to raise a child alone, and she absolutely knew she didn’t want to go through the pain of falling for someone only to have them walk again. So, she’d moved on and let go of those dreams. A rush of emotion welled, and hot tears pressed at the back of her eyes.

  Sawyer angled his head to the side. “Are you okay?”

  She swallowed and took a gulp of air, gripping the door so tightly her knuckles went white. After another deep breath, she managed to beat back her tears. He would think she was ridiculous if she started crying on top of everything else right now. She finally managed to nod and speak. “Yeah. I’m fine.” Another deep breath. “I didn’t mean to dump that on you there. I also didn’t mean to make it sound like I thought things were more than they are with us. After what happened before, I…” Her words trailed off when he shook his head.

  “Stop worrying about it. I get why you might want to say something. If we were serious,” he said with a subtle gleam in his eyes.

  She stared back at him, wondering what the little gleam in his eyes meant. Don’t you dare start hoping this can go somewhere. She practically ordered herself to stop being hopeful. Because she had to. That gleam in his eyes certainly didn’t mean she and Sawyer were going anywhere, she hastened to reason with herself. It most definitely didn’t mean he was okay with the never having biological children option. But he said people could adopt.

  Rising through the emotional cacophony inside of her was a tiny shout of joy. She wasn’t supposed to get this excited. She wasn’t supposed to get excited about anything resembling romance. Oh. My. God. Infertility might not be a deal breaker for him. This massive disappointment for her might not have to loom like a dark shadow in her mind. That was her hopeful voice, her silly romantic side that she’d tried so hard to quash. Oh God. This was bad for her. It didn’t matter how hard she tried to be rational, she was so prone to full on tumbling into fantasyland over Sawyer. Calm, stay calm.

  As she had a rational chat with herself, another part of her was yearning to say more, to ask him how he felt about what she’d just dumped on him. Her mind flashed again to the way Sawyer looked when he was holding Holly. She couldn’t do this. She just couldn’t be this stupid again. She met his eyes, clinging to the parts of herself that held her together after she learned about her infertility and her engagement blew up.

  “I have to go,” she said suddenly.

  She started to climb into the driver’s seat and pull the door closed. Sawyer tightened his grip on the door. “Wait a minute. Can we…?”

  She shook her head, cutting right into what he was asking, as she fought to keep from crying. “No, we can’t talk more. There’s no point. If it wasn’t obvious before, it should be now. I saw you with Holly out there. You deserve to have a chance for kids, and that’s not an option with me. It doesn’t really matter if we’re serious or not. I won’t be responsible for taking a chance like that away from anyone.”

  His eyes widened, her words startling him enough that he loosened his grip on the door. She didn’t wait and yanked it shut. Within seconds, she started her car and backed up. As she drove away, she couldn’t keep from looking in the rear view mirror. Sawyer stood right where she’d left him, beside the now empty parking spot, his gaze turned to the back of her car. A single tear rolled down her cheek, and she swiped it away quickly, only to have another follow. She forced herself to breathe slowly and beat back the ache in her heart.

  Later that night, she kicked the blanket off of her legs and stood to return her plate to the sink. She’d had the kind of evening she’d usually enjoy. She’d watched a movie, chatted with her parents and made spaghetti. Yet, she’d spent most of the night trying not to dissolve into tears. She set her plate in the sink, the clatter of the silverware against the stainless steel loud in her quiet apartment. She sat down at the kitchen table with a sigh.

  This ache in her heart and knot of tension in her stomach were visceral reminders of why she’d tried so damn hard to root this part of her out. Maybe Sawyer really was okay with the fact she couldn’t have kids, but this thing, whatever she had going on with him, only illuminated a painful truth for her. The regret she’d thought long gone over that was still there. It was hard to think about falling in love and everything that went with it when she knew she couldn’t have something she wanted deeply. She loved kids and loved the way they knit families together. Intellectually, she considered adoption a wonderful thing, but the doubts she held about her own capacity as a woman loomed large. It shouldn’t matter that she couldn’t conceive, but irrationally it did. She could hardly stand the idea of boxing Sawyer into losing the chance to have his own children. She lay in bed later, trying to tell herself she’d done the right thing. She had to break this off, or else she’d walk right into another broken heart.

  Chapter 17

  Sawyer knocked on the door to Garrett and Delia’s house and stepped inside. “Hey there!” he called from the entrance.

  “Hey bro, come on back,” Garrett called in return.

  Sawyer strolled past the stairs and under the archway leading into the living room and kitchen area toward the back. Their home was situated on a bluff overlooking Kachemak Bay. The living room had floor to ceiling windows, ensuring bright light year-round and offering a spectacular view of the water and the mountains rising tall on the far side. Garrett was seated at a round table over by the kitchen, his eyes scanning something on his laptop screen. A screeching call drew Sawyer’s eyes to the windows, and he watched as an eagle took flight from a piece of driftwood on the beach, a raven hot on its tail. The raven was entirely oblivious to the eagle’s massive size compared to its own and chased after the eagle, swooping and cawing. Sawyer chuckled as he watched, the eagle finally gliding into a cluster of trees atop the bluff. Sheer annoyance was effective on the raven’s part as the raven turned and flew back to land on the very piece of driftwood where the eagle had been stationed.

  It was midday with the sun glittering on the surface of the bay and the water ruffled by the wind. Between his various siblings moving here over the last few years, it felt as if they were all circling back to where they’d started, given they’d all been born here in Diamond Creek. Since Gage moved here, Sawyer had spent several of his breaks between missions here and didn’t question he loved the area. Yet, his life was shifting gears in a major way. Years of being on active duty as a Navy SEAL was a far cry from how his life might shake out here. The breathtaking beauty was a definite bonus. He turned away from the windows and walked over to sit down across from Garrett. A curved counter divided the kitchen from the living room with a table tucked in by the windows.

  Garrett clicked something on his laptop and quickly closed it, his sharp blue gaze landing on Sawyer. “Coffee?” he asked.

  “If you have it. No need to make some for me.”

  Garrett winked and stood. “Always have it around. You know me. I might’ve slowed down a bit, but I still love coffee.”

  He stepped to the counter and poured two cups of coffee, setting one in front of Sawyer as he sat down again. He nodded toward the center of the table. “Cream and sugar if you need any.”

 
“Nah. You know me. Like my coffee black.” Sawyer took a swallow and sighed as he set the cup down. “Damn good coffee.”

  Garrett flashed another grin. “Delia spoils me. She made this before she left for work. I can make a decent pot of coffee, but I swear she adds something she won’t tell me about. Hers is always better.”

  Sawyer chuckled. “Well, she is a chef.”

  “Yeah, but coffee has nothing to do with cooking. Not complaining though. I love it. So what’s up at the lodge today? Gage called me yesterday about helping you guys with the business end of adding on backcountry hikes. He’s all about making sure the liability forms are lock-tight. What’s up?”

  “Oh, now that I’m here, he said he’s been thinking on adding backcountry hikes and what-not. Says most of the local places are so booked, sometimes visitors miss out.”

  Sawyer forced himself to stay on topic. He’d been doing double-time to stay rational inside ever since Violet essentially dumped him after baseball practice. Somehow, based on nothing factual, he was determined to believe he still had a shot with her. As annoyed as he’d been with his family for nosing into his love life, he was now fighting the urge to dump his entire problem in Garrett’s lap and get some advice.

  Garrett nodded. “True. It’s nuts here in the summer. Eli can barely keep up. Gage sends people to him, along with the Winters’ brothers, but they’re just as busy. I think it’s a great idea. I’ll draw up the legal details and you two can run with it. How you feeling about staying here?”

  Sawyer took another sip of coffee and looked over at Garrett. “All in all, pretty good. It’s the best decision for me right now.” His mind flashed to Violet. He wanted to knock through the walls she was putting up. He’d texted a few times, and while it wouldn’t be fair to say she was ignoring him, she was definitely keeping her distance. Her responses were polite, but distant. She simply wasn’t giving him any openings to talk again.

  Garrett eyed Sawyer and leaned back in his chair, his gaze coasting over him. Garrett was disconcertingly perceptive. His life now was a far cry from what it had been a few years ago. He’d been the hottest corporate lawyer in Seattle and lived to work. Sawyer had admired Garrett’s brilliance and drive, yet Garrett had carried a driven, weary air in those days. The sly, funny older brother who loved to tease had taken a backseat to a life of work and more work. Sawyer had initially been surprised when he heard Garrett had up and moved to Diamond Creek, yet after he saw Garrett with Delia, he knew exactly why. Her warmth and generally kind nature softened Garrett’s sharp edges. She also had steel hidden inside because she didn’t hesitate to call Garrett out on anything. Together, they were perfect for each other.

  Garrett had also embraced fatherhood in a way Sawyer hadn’t expected. Garrett was more involved in Nick’s extracurricular activities than Delia since he had more flexibility to his work schedule. While Delia was largely her own boss as the manager of the lodge restaurant and the reception and housekeeping, the job required her to be around for certain busy times. Garrett ran his own show completely with his law practice here in Alaska and a pared down office in Seattle for the few corporate cases he still handled. He could set his own schedule and happily did. He helped coach for every sport Nick played, which as far as Sawyer could tell was every sport possible.

  This train of thought led Sawyer right back to Violet. Pretty much everything did lately. Before he could ask the question forming in his mind, Garrett interrupted his thoughts. “Seems like the best decision to me. What’s up with Violet?” he asked.

  Sawyer ran a hand through his hair. “She pretty much broke things off with me,” he said bluntly.

  Garrett’s gaze sobered immediately. “Damn. What the hell happened?”

  Sawyer took another swallow of his coffee and traced along the curve of the mug handle after he set it down. Part of him wanted to make light of it. That was his usual manner of dealing with things like this. He’d readily admit he was known as a flirt and a tease when it came to women, yet life on the move as a Navy SEAL hadn’t offered the time, or the commitment, to focus on romance. Violet unsettled him, in part because almost from the start she’d thrown him off balance. There was that and what she’d laid on him the other day. She couldn’t have kids, and it was obvious it bothered her. He wanted to storm over to find her and tell her it didn’t matter. Yet, he didn’t know if he could think clearly when it came to her. All he knew was he wanted her like he’d never wanted any woman in his life, and he could hardly stand it to have her try to box him out of her life.

  “You okay?” Garrett asked.

  “Not really,” Sawyer finally replied after mentally girding himself to get through this. “I can’t believe I’m about to say any of this to you, so cut me some slack, okay?”

  Garrett nodded quickly.

  “So yeah. Violet. I like her. A lot. Problem is, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. When we’re together, it’s, well, it’s fuckin’ amazing. Then she gets all squirrelly. I have kind of a weird question to ask if you don’t mind.”

  “Of course not. Now you have to ask,” Garrett said with a slight smile.

  “Has it ever bothered you that Nick isn’t your biological son?”

  “Absolutely not. Honestly, if you’d asked me before I met Delia what I thought about getting involved with a single mother, I’d have told you it was crazy. Just goes to show how life changes you. Nick was six when I met Delia. His father, who’d never been around to begin with, died about a year later. I hadn’t pushed before that because it didn’t seem right, but I wanted to adopt him sooner. It sucks like hell his father died, and if I could change that for Nick, I would. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the process, it’s that being a dad has basically nothing to do with whose sperm helped make the baby. Seriously, I’d take a bullet for Nick. It’s impossible for me to even consider him not my son now. I wish I’d been there when he was younger, but I can’t do a damn thing about that part. So to answer your question—no way,” Garrett said, so fiercely it hit Sawyer right in the chest.

  Garrett had a sheen in his eyes, and he took a deep breath before taking a sip of his coffee. “Didn’t mean to get so intense there,” he said with a chuckle. “Anyway, I have to wonder what made you ask that.”

  “Violet can’t have kids, not the biological way at least. She threw that on me right before she dumped me. She said it messed things up in her last relationship. I said what I thought, that it shouldn’t matter. But I hadn’t ever really thought about it much, you know? Pisses me off some jerk dumped her over it, but I wondered if maybe I was missing something.”

  “Asshole,” Garrett said softly.

  “Tell me about it.”

  “Well, maybe I’m missing something, but I know you pretty damn well. If you want kids, it won’t make a bit of difference in how much you love them if you adopt or not. How’s Violet feel about it?”

  “Not that she explained a whole lot, but I’d guess she has some baggage around it. She had childhood leukemia and said the chemo killed her eggs along with the cancer.”

  “No matter what, it sucks when you don’t have a say in things like that. Bad enough she had to go through chemo when she was a kid.” Garrett paused and drained his coffee before eyeing Sawyer again. “Well, doesn’t matter what you tell me now, you’re serious about Violet,” he said firmly.

  “Huh?” Sawyer’s question came out reflexively, while his heart gave a hard kick, almost as if to get his attention.

  “You wouldn’t be asking me anything about this if you weren’t.” Garrett winked and stood up from the table to place his coffee mug in the sink. He turned back and leaned his hips against the counter. “So whaddya gonna do about it?”

  “About what?”

  “Violet, you dumbass.”

  Sawyer glared at him. “I’m not a dumbass,” he muttered.

  “Most of the time you’re not. Look, all I’m saying is you’ve only ever asked me for advice about one woman. Violet.”

/>   Sawyer leaned back in his chair and sighed. “Good point. See that’s my problem. I don’t do this kind of thing. My life hasn’t made much room for it. I don’t know how to deal with this. At first, I thought we’d kinda get past the hot and cold thing she was doing, but then she unloaded the kid thing on me and said she didn’t want to keep me from having that chance. How the hell do I convince her that doesn’t matter to me?”

  “Tell her,” Garrett said.

  Sawyer stared at him before cracking up. Once he caught his breath, he asked, “That’s it?”

  “Well, have you even tried that yet?” Garrett said, his tone exasperated.

  Sawyer rolled his eyes. “I thought I said so, but then she didn’t really give me much chance to talk.” He paused and closed his eyes. When he opened them, Garrett’s sympathetic gaze met his. “But then I thought maybe I should think about it a little. I figured since you adopted Nick, maybe you’d be able to confirm what I thought. And you did. I don’t give a damn about the biological thing.”

  “Doesn’t matter. Not to me. Won’t to you. It’s good you took a few days, but don’t sit on it. Go tell her.”

  “That’s it? Just tell her?” Sawyer countered.

  “Dude, I used to be as clueless as you, but I’ve learned a thing or two in marriage. Actually talking about things sometimes helps.”

  “Fine. I’ll try it. Anyway, didn’t you need my help with something?” Sawyer asked, ready to move on from the topic. Violet was spending so much time lodged in his brain, he was restless for something to take his mind off of her.

  “Oh yeah. Need some help setting up Nick’s drum kit. Ready?”

  “We’re setting up a drum kit? Since when does Nick play drums?” Sawyer asked.

  “Since he started taking lessons. I could probably do it myself, but an extra set of hands would help. Plus, it’s a surprise, so I want it done today before he gets home. You’re a hell of a lot more patient than I am with that kind of thing.”