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  “I'm ready,” I said, my voice coming out a little forced.

  She whipped out a little computer tablet. “What will it be?”

  “Didn't you mention a special? Something with a glazed salmon?” I asked.

  “Yes, we have salmon with a maple glaze and roasted on a cedar plank that comes with risotto and asparagus.”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  I didn't even hear what Rowan ordered, but then he asked, “Did you want to share that appetizer?”

  “Which one?” I asked blankly.

  My mind had derailed into the horror of what this dinner date had turned into.

  “The fondue? You used to love fondue.”

  He smiled just a little bit, and my heart turned over in my chest. I wanted to cry. All the while, joy rose through the tangle of my emotions inside. When we'd first become friends before we'd actually dated in college, we'd bonded over our shared love of fondue at a little café that served it.

  “Yes, I’ll share.”

  He looked back up at the server. “That'll do it. Did you want anything other than water to drink?” she asked, glancing back and forth between us.

  “I'll take a glass of the house wine,” I said quickly.

  “I'll take a beer, whatever the house draft is,” Rowan added.

  She hurried off, and then we were alone again. Even though we were in a busy restaurant surrounded by a low hum of voices, it truly felt as if we were alone. Caught in his gaze, I couldn't look away. I wanted to avoid this so very, very much. But I couldn’t.

  He reached over and caught one of my hands in his. “Jesus, Mae, you're freezing,” he said, reaching for my other hand.

  His palms were warm and dry as they curled around mine, and his touch was a balm to my unsettled and raw emotions.

  “I'm sorry,” he repeated.

  “You really don't have to apologize,” I said through the lump in my throat.

  “But I do. I knew something was really wrong, but I didn't know what. I should’ve known.”

  “It’s okay,” I whispered.

  “Just to be super clear, you know nothing happened with your roommate, right?”

  I nodded quickly. “I did. Everyone filled me in, and she was pissed about it.”

  “That's kind of beside the point, though, isn't it?” he asked, his tone low and laced with an intensity that surprised me.

  “I don't know what you mean.”

  “Well, my fucking roommate raped you,” he said flatly.

  “It wasn’t your fault,” I whispered hoarsely.

  “How do we start over?”

  Ah, now that was the gigantic question. Encountering a big, bad wolf literally seemed like child’s play compared to figuring out how to vanquish my own fears and the memories I’d tried so very hard to bury.

  I told myself I should pull my hands away from his, but his touch felt so good. It was such a subtle thing. There was a reason I'd crushed on him before and halfway fallen in love with him. He'd been such a solid, good guy—always strong and stable, always easy and comfortable to be around. I trusted him on a deep level.

  As I looked over at him, I thought about the therapist I’d gone to see a few years ago. She’d been really helpful. Thanks to her, I didn't have nightmares anymore even though I’d still hated how things ended for Rowan and me back then. My therapist had told me that trying to date someone might be a crucial step for me. But I didn't hate myself anymore for what happened, and getting to that point had been an internal battle I’d won. I knew I had done the only thing I could have done at the time. All I could do now was go forward. I wondered about reaching out to that therapist. It had been a while, but she would probably love to know Rowan had found me, and we’d reconnected.

  “That was what this dinner date was supposed to be about. We were going to start over, and all the shit that happened wasn't going to be between us,” he said quietly.

  “If there’s one thing I know, it’s that you can’t change the past. It’s all there anyway,” I rasped.

  “Mae, were you going to try to keep that from me forever?”

  I blinked as the tears stung my eyes. Shrugging, I replied, “I guess so. I don't want it to define me.”

  My hands were warming under his touch. His eyes searched my face. “It doesn't define you, not to me. I hate that it happened, but I'm glad I know.”

  The emotional fracture created by cutting Rowan out of my life was cracking open slowly. Instead of unbearable pain, it ached, but it also felt as if sunlight was slipping through. What lay behind it was dark and cold, and I was weary of carrying this alone. I had told those few friends in college what happened but then had rarely spoken of it again except in therapy. My college friends had all been decent enough to let me keep it quiet. I simply hadn’t been ready for more. I didn't think I could’ve kept it a secret forever. Yet silence about events gives so much power to secrets. The longer the silence holds, the more powerful the secret becomes.

  I took a breath, my chest loosening a little. Rowan’s thumb brushed across the back of my hand, the subtle touch soothing me.

  “It's weird, but I guess I'm relieved someone else told you.”

  “I don't think Stephanie would’ve said anything if I hadn't asked Darryl.”

  “It's okay. I haven't been in touch with her for years. I know she didn't do it in a gossipy way.”

  The server arrived with our drinks. I felt a little bereft when Rowan let go of one of my hands to lift his beer. Tendrils of warmth encircled my heart when he kept one hand firmly in mine and laced his fingers through mine. His thumb kept brushing in light strokes, and warmth radiated from his touch, sliding through me like a soft summer breeze in the trees.

  I took a swallow of my wine. “Oh, that's good.”

  “You look surprised,” he said with an arch of a brow.

  God help me. Even when he lifted a brow, my belly swooped. “Well, I've never had gooseberry wine. It was kind of a risk.”

  His eyes crinkled at the corners with his warm smile. He took a swallow from his draft beer, lowering it and commenting, “This is good too.”

  “There are some good breweries in Alaska. The menu says everything here is from a brewery in Anchorage.”

  He dipped his head in agreement. “Are we officially changing the subject?”

  I needed another sip of my yummy wine. Swallowing, I shrugged. “See, that's why I hate it, why I never wanted you to know. It becomes this thing that sucks up all the air.”

  “Mae, you were one of my best friends in college, and I thought we had a shot at something more. And then, that was it. You weren’t my friend, and I didn’t know what happened.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Rowan

  “I understand why you never wanted me to know, but I could have been there for you. I would’ve kicked his ass.” Just thinking about it sent a bolt of icy anger through me, but now wasn’t the time to focus on that emotion.

  Mae pressed her lips in a line. “I didn't want anyone to kick his ass. I just wanted to forget about it.”

  “You could probably still press charges.”

  I'd spent most of my nights, and every moment when I wasn't occupied, thinking of all the things I wished to befall Chet. I knew I could find him, but I hadn't tried yet. Aside from being there for Mae, I owed her the chance to call the shots on this.

  What I really wanted was to find him and cause him more pain than he’d caused Mae, or something along those lines. I didn't trust myself if I got my hands on him, that was for sure.

  Mae was really quiet before she shook her head, just barely. “I don't want to.”

  I opened my mouth to argue the point, but she lifted her palm, so I shut up.

  “I know you probably want to kick his ass, or at least see him deal with some legal fallout. I did look into it, and it's not easy. I was pretty out of it and I barely remember anything. It's nothing more than flashes of memories. The reason I know something happened is because it was my
first time, and the pain snapped me out of the haze.”

  Mae spoke so calmly it was as if she was reciting a recipe. My chest and brain felt as if they’d been lit on fire with rage. I clenched my beer glass with my hand and willed myself to stay calm. Mae didn't need to see me lose my shit.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” I finally asked after I took a long swallow of my beer.

  She shook her head. “No, look, those date rape drugs are pretty common. You know that, right?”

  “What? What do you mean?”

  Mae let out a sharp sigh. “There’s a nail polish for women to use that changes color if they dip their fingers in a drink and it’s been spiked. I'm not alone. I’m just another statistic.”

  I took another swallow of beer. Fuck.

  “I know you want me to do something about it, but my memory’s spotty at best. I knew Chet was an asshole.”

  “That’s an understatement.”

  “I knew you said he was a jerk, but I didn’t realize I shouldn’t even take a drink from him.”

  I was so torn up over this that I was reeling. I was not going to fall apart in front of her.

  “You have to let me deal with this the way I want to,” she continued. “I don't want to press charges, and I don't want you to find him, and I don't want you to kick his ass.”

  “What do you want?”

  “The chances of it going anywhere legally are close to zero. I did do one thing, and it's the only thing that's given me a little bit of peace.”

  “What’s that?”

  “It was a year after it happened, my senior year when we were graduating. I filed a report and warned the school about him. I heard about it happening to another girl, and I didn't want it to happen to anybody else.”

  “Seriously? I don't know what happened with him after he moved out. Did he graduate?”

  She shook her head. “Not from UNC. I know I wasn’t the only one who reported him, and he didn’t return for what would’ve been his last semester.”

  “It doesn't seem like enough,” I protested.

  Mae shrugged. “That's the world we live in.” Her tone was disconcertingly calm while I wanted to punch the universe.

  I had enough sense to know reacting with violence was definitely not the solution for the moment. “You don’t think he should be charged?” I couldn’t help but press once more.

  “Rowan, I looked into it. My case is not a good case. There were no witnesses. Just me and my spiked drink.”

  I felt sick, and my heart ached on a visceral level.

  Mae was that girl. I’d been so in love with her before. I’d been afraid to ruin our friendship, and I’d wanted to get it right when we finally started dating. I didn't want to be a dumbass like so many guys were back then.

  “So, tell me, how do we start over?”

  “Now that this giant elephant is in the room between us?” she countered.

  “I don't think it's an elephant anymore, but it was before I knew.”

  She looked at me, her gaze skeptical. “What do you mean?”

  “Because it was a secret, a big secret. You didn’t have to tell me. Obviously, that was your call. But it's the whole reason we broke up or never really got off the ground. I lost one of my favorite people. You hear those stories about people who lost touch with someone. Every time I heard something like that, I thought about you. I would think about texting you again, figuring you probably had the same number. I never deleted it. But you told me to leave you alone, and I wanted to respect that. I knew you got your graduate degree, but you kept a pretty low profile.” Mae’s lips twisted in one of her lopsided smiles. Even though my heart was throbbing, a little bit of joy was starting to push through the heavy weight of pain.

  “So, we start where we were back then,” she chimed in, surprising me.

  “How many dates did we go on?” I asked.

  “Three,” she whispered.

  “That's right. Fourth time's the charm.”

  “Really?” A slow smile unfurled across her face.

  “Yeah, and we're gonna get it right this time.”

  Her gaze sobered, and she took a quick swallow of wine. “Rowan, I don't know. I don't really date.”

  “Do you trust me?”

  She nodded slowly. “You know I do.”

  “Okay then. We can do this.”

  Her eyes held mine through several resounding beats of my heart before she nodded.

  Chapter Twenty

  Mae

  It was kind of miraculous, but I actually enjoyed dinner. It was really good to spend time with Rowan again without that giant secret between us. I appreciated that he understood it was my story to tell him, and I could’ve kept the secret if I chose. I knew it would have gotten in the way for us in the long run, though.

  That was the very reason I shut him out back then. Of course, that version of me had been younger and a little less bitter. After what happened, I hadn't known what to do other than batten down the hatches, literally and figuratively.

  Rowan insisted on staying a full hour after he finished his beer because he was driving us home. When we got to my house and he walked me to the door, I was pretty sure he was going to leave without kissing me.

  “Oh no you don't!” I reached for his hand as he started to step back.

  He tried to play it off. “What?”

  “You're not leaving. Not without kissing me,” I declared.

  He stared down at me in the darkness. It was cold enough out that I shivered.

  “Inside,” he ordered, pointing at the door behind me.

  I quickly fished my keys out, and we walked in. After greeting Sassafras, I turned and looked at him. “We already kissed. Why are you not kissing me good night?”

  For the first time tonight, Rowan looked a little lost. “Mae—” he began before stopping abruptly.

  “No, no, no, no!”

  “No, what?”

  “Don't let this be an excuse to pretend you can't touch me. We had a really good kiss in the parking lot, and then the other night in the kitchen.” I flapped a hand in the direction of the kitchen.

  He shifted on his feet uncomfortably. “But—”

  Great, just freaking great. He couldn’t manage more than a single word without sputtering. “But, what?”

  “What?”

  “Oh, my god. You know I'm not some innocent virgin.”

  “Mae! Don't talk about it like that.” His eyes were kind of wild.

  “Rowan, don't.”

  This was firing me up in a weird way. I wanted to scream, and I wanted to cry. But more than any of those things, I wanted to kiss him. So I did.

  I grabbed his jacket and yanked him to me as I stepped closer. His back thumped against the door when I leaned up and pressed my lips to his. It started out kind of messy because my aim was off, and my mouth landed on the corner of his lips.

  Leaning back, I murmured, “See, it's fine.”

  Rowan held still, his eyes searching mine. The air fairly crackled with tension, and then we were kissing again.

  He didn't treat me like I was fragile, but unfortunately, he did put a stop to it. At which point, I was seriously hot and bothered. “Are you really going to go home?” I protested between gasps.

  “Yes,” he said with a sigh.

  I could feel the hot press of his arousal against my hip. “Rowan, come on.”

  He looked pained. “This is our first date, since our last three dates. I don't want to take advantage.”

  “I want you to take advantage. I want this,” I demanded.

  He stared at me. I could hear the clock ticking loudly in the background.

  “Mae, I—”

  “Rowan, I'm asking you to stay. If I have to strip you naked myself, I will.”

  As if to emphasize the point, Sassafras hissed in the background from the couch. Rowan's eyes widened. “She’s kind of cranky. I think she was mostly napping the last time you were here,” I explained.

  Af
ter another stare down between us, he pushed away from the door and shrugged out of his jacket. I unzipped my jacket, taking them both and hanging them on the hooks by the door. We took off our boots.

  “I even wore dressy boots,” I offered.

  His eyes bounced down and back up to mine. “I noticed. They're hot.” He smiled, a sly glint in his eyes.

  “Really?”

  “Everything about you is hot, Mae. I had such a crush on you back then. You were that girl for me.”

  “Well, that's good because you were that guy. You still are,” I replied, surprising myself with my honesty.

  “Why were you so mad when you saw me here at first?” he asked, his gaze sobering.

  “I don't know. It just all got tangled up. Seeing you meant I had to deal with why I stopped being friends with you.”

  “I felt like you sliced me out of your life with a surgical knife.”

  Since I was already being honest, I didn’t stop. “That's pretty much what I did. You were still roommates with him, and I didn't know what to do.”

  “Only for like another month, and then it was the end of the semester.” He shook his head. “I'm sorry. I get it. I do. I'm just relieved it wasn’t something I did even though I kind of wish it had been.”

  “Never,” I whispered.

  I was getting lost in the brilliant green of his eyes, and he kissed me again. One kiss blurred into the next and then the next. I didn't know how long we stood there in the living room kissing until he lifted his head and said, “Bedroom.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Rowan

  My hands were practically shaking. This was not what I expected tonight.

  I told myself I wasn't going to let it go this far, yet I was caught in the midst of competing impulses. I wanted Mae. I wanted this. With a truly, madly, deeply kind of want.

  And, sweet Jesus, I had wanted Mae for what felt like forever at this point. Seriously. I crushed on her so hard in college, and then I'd finally asked her out. A few kisses later, and it all ended so abruptly.