Only Ever Us Read online

  “Before?”

  “Before we went on a few dates and you stopped talking to me,” I said flatly, ignoring the pain that felt like a spear driven through my heart.

  Her breath drew in sharply. She glared at me before she spun away, walking swiftly out the door. I moved to follow her. “Mae!” I called when I reached the parking area.

  She glanced over her shoulder. “Let it go, Rowan.” She climbed into a small blue car and drove away.

  I stood there, watching the glow of her taillights disappear. I sighed and walked back into the station. Maisie looked up as I came in. “What did you do to Mae?”

  I crossed over, resting my elbows on the counter that encircled her desk. “I wish I knew.”

  Maisie wrinkled her nose. “I need you to connect the dots for me, please. How do you know Mae? I didn’t think you were from here.”

  “I'm not. I'm from Stolen Hearts Valley in North Carolina, same town as Remy.”

  “Oh, that's right! He's the one who told you about the job opening here.”

  “You got it.”

  “So, about Mae?”

  “We met in college. She had a scholarship to UNC.” It wasn’t that I wanted to avoid this conversation, but it was uncomfortable because I didn’t know what I’d done to piss off Mae. She’d been one of my closest friends, and I’d fallen for her. Hard. I’d finally found the nerve to ask her out. A few dates later, she stopped talking to me and avoided me so thoroughly I never found out what happened.

  “Do you know Mae well?” Maisie pressed. Maisie basically ran the station, and even though I’d only been here for a few months, I knew she kept her thumb on the pulse of everything going on. “As far as I know, she just moved back. Her grandmother passed away.”

  “Yeah, she was Carrie Dodge’s sister.”

  Maisie’s brows rose. “Yeah, I know. So, Mae seems pissed off with you?”

  “Maybe.”

  “What did you do?” Maisie pressed just as my friend Remy Martin came through the doors.

  “What's up?” he asked, stopping beside me.

  “Apparently, Rowan was a dumbass in college,” Maisie offered helpfully.

  Remy glanced at me, his eyes crinkling with a smile. “Really?”

  I sighed, straightening as I ran a hand through my hair. “I don’t even know what I did.”

  “Dude, why do you look so upset?”

  I gestured toward the parking lot although Mae was long gone. “You remember Mae Townsend?”

  Remy looked as if he were rifling through a cabinet in his brain before he nodded slowly. “You were best friends in college. I thought you had it bad for her.”

  “Yeah. That's the one. This is her hometown, she hates me, and I don’t even know why.”

  Chapter Three

  Mae

  “Stupid, stupid, stupid. I'm an idiot,” I said.

  My grandmother’s cat blinked up at me before letting out a loud meow. I looked over at her empty food bowl. She was a chatty cat. Aunt Carrie had given her to me just last week after Gram’s memorial service, telling me Sassafras was my grandmother's old cat and she would keep me company.

  “You probably need some food.”

  I stood and crossed over to the kitchen, opening a cabinet and fetching a can of food. This cat was spoiled rotten. According to Aunt Carrie, my grandmother had gotten her last summer before she got sick. Or rather, before she knew she was going to die. I spooned the cat food into the bowl, and Sassafras leaped onto the small table by the windows and settled in to eat.

  Curling my arms around my waist, I crossed from the kitchen back into the living room, walking over to the window to stare outside. It was only five in the evening, and the sun was already about to slip behind the horizon, its early evening rays silvery and thin. Sunset would come soon. The days were short and the nights long during Alaskan winters.

  I let out a sigh before turning and plunking down on the couch. I kicked my feet up on the coffee table and let my eyes travel around the room. I didn't even know if I wanted to stay here, but this house was mine. I owned it free and clear. All I had to do was pay the annual property taxes.

  My throat felt suddenly tight, and I swallowed through the thickness. Gram was gone, and that’s why I owned this house. I’d just had an argument with my mother this afternoon about staying. She wanted me to stay. If it weren't for the fact that Rowan was here, I would probably say yes. It was a smart move. I had a house and a good job offer. But I had reasons for reconsidering. Reasons being Rowan. Why did he have to be so freaking handsome? He could have at least gotten less delectable in the years since I’d seen him.

  Rowan wasn’t directly responsible for my bitterness about men. It’s just that he was connected to the worst night of my life. My radar for men who weren't assholes seemed to be broken. I thought about the last guy I’d gone on a date with. It had been a disaster. For one, he wouldn't shut up about football. I didn’t have anything against football, but I was a basketball fan through and through.

  So, anyway, football. Then he kept calling me babe. On our first date. He’d seemed surprised that I had a doctorate. What the actual fuck? In the past decade, more women than men earned advanced degrees every year.

  Then I'd kissed him, and he'd stuffed his tongue down my throat—super annoying. I shouldn't have even kissed him. Of course, I knew how Rowan kissed. He was good at it. Really good at it, like master level.

  Ugh. I let out a groan, leaning my head back. He was here in Willow Brook and bringing up all kinds of memories. Rowan had been my best friend for a while in college. We’d ended up seated together in my very first class. He was just easy to be with, and we’d become fast friends. It had been platonic at first, but it’d been impossible not to notice how hot he was—all rumpled dark curls, intense green eyes, and a drool-worthy body. I’d started to fall for him but promised myself our friendship was more important. Then he asked me out on a date.

  I’d been so thrown, he had to ask me twice.

  My eyes stung with tears, and I swiped them away with my palm.

  Stupid, stupid, stupid. I didn’t need to get all caught up in my feelings about him. I sucked in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. My mind started to turn down a path I avoided. It was dark and held the memory of something I’d do anything to erase. If there was one lesson I’d learned, it was that you couldn’t change the past.

  I stood abruptly, determined not to spend the night thinking about Rowan or why I’d thought I only had one choice all those years ago.

  Because it felt lonely to be here in this house by myself, I decided to head out. Holly, my old friend from high school, had texted earlier and asked if I wanted to get together.

  I tapped out a text. You still want to meet tonight?

  Her answer was swift. Sure thing. I get off from my shift at the hospital in an hour. Do you want to meet at Firehouse or Wildlands or the new pizza place?

  Me: Let’s try the pizza place. I haven’t been there yet.

  Holly: It’s good! See you soon!

  Since Rowan had rescued me, I'd run into him four times. And every time, my hormones fired off like a pinball machine. Twice, he tried to talk to me, and twice, I'd managed to gracefully exit the situation.

  The university had emailed last week, telling me they were still holding the position for me, but they would open it up again if I didn’t commit soon. I didn't want to go back to North Carolina. I'd missed home, and I was feeling stubborn about Rowan. I wasn't going to let him show up in my hometown and take over. This was my hometown. I sat down at my desk and pulled out my laptop, quickly pasting in the acceptance I'd written.

  This was a tenure track position in the environmental sciences program, and I didn't want to pass it up. My parents were here, I had a house, and this was my town and my friends. I would just have to deal with Rowan, and my hormones would get a clue. I ignored the tiny voice pointing out that maybe Rowan was a massive reminder of the night I’d prefer to forget, but none o
f it was his fault.

  My breath misted in the air as I hurried across the parking lot, pushing through the door into Alpenglow Pizza. The restaurant had been here for a few years, but it was new to me. It was on the outer end of Main Street near the hospital. I did want to try the new pizza, but I’d also wanted to limit my chances of encountering Rowan. During the winter months, Wildlands was a favorite hangout for locals. Since I came back to town, I’d been there a few times, and I’d already encountered Rowan there twice.

  I paused and glanced around the restaurant. Booths lined the walls, and a counter at the back had a wood-fired oven visible behind it. It smelled delicious in here.

  Holly waved at me from a booth in the corner. I waved as I crossed over to her. Before I could get a word out, Holly stood and pulled me into a quick hug. Her brown eyes twinkled as she stepped back and gave my shoulders a squeeze. “It's so good to see you again!”

  “You too.”

  We sat down across from each other, and Holly brushed her blond hair off her shoulders before lifting a glass of water and taking a swallow. As she set her glass down, she pointed at the one beside my elbow. “I ordered water for you, but I didn’t know if you wanted anything else to drink.”

  “Water will do.”

  “What do you want to get? Everything is good. I was thinking we should split a pizza.” She leaned her elbows on the table and turned the opened menu around for me to read it.

  “What do you like? Pepperoni still your favorite?” I asked.

  Holly’s smile was wide. “Hell, yes.”

  “Let's just get a whole pepperoni then.”

  “Deal.”

  I closed the menu and slipped my arms out of my jacket. Holly and I had been pretty close in high school, but it felt like her life had leapfrogged ahead of mine. She was married and pregnant. The server appeared, and we ordered.

  As soon as she was gone, Holly leaned back. “So tell me everything.”

  “Everything? I don't have a ton of news,” I replied with a light laugh.

  “Have you decided if you're staying?”

  “Yes. I have a house and a good job. It was kind of hard to say no.” I kicked Rowan out of my thoughts. “Tell me how you're doing. You probably have more going on than me.”

  Holly's lips curled in a smile. “Maybe, maybe not. I never left Willow Brook. I took the promotion at the hospital, so I'm the supervisor for the nursing department in the ER. Nate and I are married, but you know that.”

  “And pretty soon, you’ll be a mama,” I teased lightly with a glance at her round belly.

  Holly's cheeks went a little pink. “Not soon enough. Pregnancy makes me tired.” She rubbed her hand on her lower back for a moment.

  “I love that you and Nate are together.” I meant it. They were a great couple and had found their way to each other. Finally.

  “Sometimes, I still can't believe it.”

  “When are you due?”

  My friend eyed the round curve of her belly. When her eyes lifted to mine, she sighed. “Not until after the holidays.”

  Our conversation paused when our pizza arrived. I picked up the thread after we had both started eating. “What do you mean you can't believe it? I always thought Nate had a thing for you. I told you that in high school. With Nate being Alex’s best friend, you two were thrown together a lot. It was kind of obvious.”

  “I guess to everybody but me,” she said dryly.

  “Well, I'm glad you're doing well together.”

  “Nate's picking me up because I caught a ride here from a friend at work since I didn’t drive in this morning. Have you seen him since you've been back?”

  I shook my head. “I've been busy cleaning the house and driving to Anchorage to look for new furniture. I cannot deal with the seventies look. I loved Gram, but wow.”

  Holly let out a peal of laughter just as a rush of cold air came in when someone entered. I reflexively glanced over. The second I saw Rowan, my pulse behaved as if a shot had gone off at the start of a race, bolting out of the gate as fast as it could go. His eyes locked on mine immediately. Sparks ran scattershot through me.

  “Well,” Holly said before clearing her throat.

  I tore my eyes from Rowan's, heat flashing in my cheeks when I looked back at her.

  “Well,” she repeated.

  “Well, what?” I prompted.

  “How do you know Rowan?”

  I pressed my lips together and let out a sharp sigh. “I knew him in college, if you can believe it. I don't know what the hell he's doing here.”

  Holly opened her mouth, but I held a hand up. “I know why he's here. That was more of a rhetorical question,” I added, irritation pricking at me.

  Holly laughed softly. “Okay, so what is the problem with Rowan? Obviously, you have feelings.”

  Oh, I had feelings, all right. It’s just the situation was complicated by an ugly event Rowan didn’t even know about.

  “We were in college together, and he was one of my closest friends. I kind of had a crush on him, and we went on a few dates. Sort of.”

  “Sort of? I need more info.” Holly took a bite of her pizza, chewing as she waited.

  “We had just started dating and then that roommate—remember the one who got on my nerves because every guy was like a challenge to her?”

  Holly nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

  “She flirted with him one night, and I took off.” There was so much more to the story, but I wasn’t about to go into it here. That might set me off to falling apart, and I couldn’t handle that. Not now.

  “Did he hook up with her?” my friend pressed, her slice of pizza hovering in the air as she looked over at me.

  I shrugged. “I’m not sure.”

  Holly set her pizza down, her nose scrunching as she eyed me. “Okay, was he a dumbass or not?”

  My throat ached, and a familiar panicky feeling tightened in my chest. “Look, that’s not all of it. I bolted, and then my night went to hell, and I just couldn’t deal with facing Rowan after that. He didn’t do anything directly. It’s just he’s the reminder of something really awful.”

  Her gaze softened. “Okay. I know a thing or two about trying to forget something awful. Do you want to talk about it?”

  Holly had been in a car accident in high school. Her boyfriend had died, and her closest friend had suffered severe burns. That accident had been a marker for all of us back then, and I knew Holly still carried the emotional scars from it.

  My gaze dipped down, but I forced my eyes up. “I know you understand, and thank you.”

  Her nod was nothing more than the barest dip of her chin.

  “I definitely don’t want to talk about it now.” I took a shaky breath, mentally dragging my tattered composure around me.

  “Understood.”

  “It was seven years ago,” I added, shaking my head slightly because it annoyed the hell out of me that this was still a thing for me.

  Holly’s eyes searched mine for a moment. “Oh, who's counting?” she commented lightly. “Rowan seems nice. I think you can live with being in town with him.” She pressed her lips together, and I knew she was trying not to laugh.

  I rolled my eyes. “I can live with Rowan, but I can't freaking believe he's here. What are the chances of that?”

  “It's a small world, girl. You know that.”

  “How do you know Rowan?” I asked, relieved she’d followed my lead to steer this conversation away from deeper, darker waters.

  “Because he's friends with Delilah, who's engaged to Alex. He also rents the apartment above their garage,” she explained, referring to her twin brother. “He knows Remy Martin too. That's how Delilah ended up here. Remy’s sister Shay, who still lives in North Carolina, gave Delilah her tickets for a ski trip because they had to cancel. It was at that ski lodge in Diamond Creek.”

  “Oh, that’s a nice place,” I interjected.

  “Anyway, Delilah and Alex knew each other from that summer camp he w
ent to in high school in Colorado. Talk about a small world. Anyway, Rowan seems nice. He's got the whole quiet vibe going. I thought he was too serious for my taste, but he's actually kind of funny.”

  Rowan was quiet and funny, and I missed our friendship so much. I took a bite of pizza, chewing hard as if I could pour my feelings into my food.

  When the door to the restaurant opened again, we both glanced over, and a wide smile broke out across Holly's face.

  “Hey, babe!” she called.

  “Nate looks just like he did in high school,” I said with a grin when she looked back toward me.

  “Even a little better, don't you think?”

  I chuckled. “Even better.”

  Nate called over to Holly, “Be there in a minute. I'm picking up takeout since you didn't invite me to dinner.” He winked and paused to talk with Rowan.

  Just looking at Rowan again sent a prickle of awareness chasing down my spine and heat blooming through me. I shouldn't have been sneaking glances at Rowan, but I was. Nate chatted with him while they waited at the counter. Then they were walking over to our booth together. Fuck my life.

  I pasted a bland smile on my face and prayed the tension spinning inside me wasn’t obvious.

  “How's it going, Mae?” Nate asked when he stopped by our booth before leaning down and dusting a kiss on Holly's cheek.

  “Good,” I replied politely. “How are you?”

  “Right as rain,” he offered with a lopsided grin.

  When Holly smiled up at him, my heart gave an odd little squeeze. The love in her eyes was so obvious, and I was thrilled for them. I really was. It felt weird to witness such joy because the chances of me having that with anyone were slim to none. I didn’t trust myself or the universe.

  Even though it would’ve been easier to pretend Rowan wasn’t standing right there, that would only draw attention to me. I turned my tight smile to him, wishing the heat climbing up my neck would dissipate.

  He dipped his chin when our eyes met, his lips kicking up into a half grin that sent butterflies spinning in my belly. “How's it going, Mae? All recovered from the fire?”