This Crazy Love: Swoon Series Page 5

  I could hold the painful memories at bay and still feel like I had something to give to the world. Taking care of animals and being outside for most of my days in some capacity helped keep me sane. I was no monk. Yet, I took care of those needs with as least fuss as possible. Casual hookups were the most I could handle. It was an exchange of mutual benefit—quick, clean, and with no complications.

  Shay was one giant walking complication—a beautiful, sexy-as-hell complication who had somehow reached inside me and set hooks in my heart.

  I hadn’t actually spent the night—sleeping, that is—with a woman in years. My last dating relationship had been before I went overseas. Even then, I couldn’t say romance had been a priority. These days, my priority was keeping my sanity and not having anyone expect too much from me. It was enough to have my sister and the hodgepodge of friends and staff rely on me.

  I couldn’t consider managing the expectations of a relationship. The simple concept of sleeping in the same bed as someone had tension knotting in my gut. I hated it when the nightmares hit. I didn’t need someone feeling bad for me about that.

  Abruptly, I glanced at the clock and realized I’d been dwelling on this for a solid ten minutes and hadn’t gotten a damn thing done. If Shay was going to be here, she was a distraction on her own. I might as well see if she wanted to help with this part of the business. I didn’t quite know how long she planned to stay. All I knew was Remy was concerned and didn’t want her living on her own. I doubted she knew how worried he was. He asked me to ask Ash to call her about coming here.

  Of course, Ash had been happy to do that. As Shay’s good friend, she was worried about her too. I didn’t know if any of us knew much more about what happened than what had been splashed in the news. I had enough sense to know there was likely far more to the story. There always was.

  With a swift mental kick, I ordered myself to stop dwelling on Shay. I slammed out of my office, thinking maybe today was a good day to try putting a saddle blanket on Mischief.

  Chapter Nine

  Shay

  “Hey, sis, how you doing?” Remy said after I answered his call.

  I idly traced my fingertip along the edge of the sink as I looked out the window. The sun was bright, casting one side of the valley in shadow in the distance.

  “I’m good.”

  “You all settled in?” he asked, his familiar drawl a comfort, yet I could hear the unspoken worry in his tone.

  I adored my brother. Always had. Even when we were little and he teased me occasionally, he’d been a patient older brother, one I could always count on. Much as I felt blessed to have him, regret and guilt stung sharply when I thought of how thoroughly I’d screwed up my life.

  “Of course I am. It’s not like I’m living alone, Remy. I just got to the farm yesterday. Ash is out of town for the month, but Jackson’s here. You know he won’t let a hair on my head get hurt.”

  “I know.”

  Though Remy rarely mentioned how much he worried about me, I could always sense it. Or, I thought I could. Perhaps it was my own need to push back against that worry. To show the world I didn’t need anyone to worry about me.

  “I don’t know why you’re so concerned. I’ve got Jackson to boss me around just as much as you do. You don’t need to worry about me anymore, Remy. I swear.”

  After our parents died, I hated how alone I felt because I hadn’t had the courage to tell Remy what was happening until it was too late.

  “And you don’t need to tell me not to worry,” he countered with a teasing tone.

  It was just enough to nudge me out of spinning into an internal quagmire. I laughed, the tension easing slightly inside. “Fine then. Tell me how you’re doing. Is it spring there yet?”

  “Well, since we talked just yesterday morning, there’s a little bit less snow on the ground today and it’s getting muddier,” he replied, referencing our call while I’d been driving. Bless his heart, but he’d answered the phone even though I’d called him well before dawn because I wasn’t thinking about the four-hour time difference from here to Alaska.

  “Right, but you said things melt fast there once they start.”

  “That I did, sis.”

  “Hang on a sec,” I said, turning when I heard the front door to the farmhouse open.

  Jackson’s voice echoed down the hall. “Just stopped by to grab a lead.”

  “Okay,” I called mostly to no one because the door opened and shut as I spoke. Jackson wasn’t one to slow down and wait. I presumed he’d snagged the long horse lead I’d noticed hanging on the hooks in the hallway.

  “Sorry about that,” I said, turning my attention back to Remy on the phone.

  “No problem. I gotta go. There’s a car on the side of the road. I’m gonna check and make sure they’re okay.”

  “Of course you are. You take care of everybody, Remy. I love you.”

  “Love you too, sis. I’ll talk to you soon.”

  I smiled as I slipped my phone into my pocket. Hearing Remy’s voice almost always lifted my spirits.

  I busied myself putting away the dishes and tidying the kitchen. When I turned back to the window a few minutes later, Jackson was in the small paddock with Mischief. He had Mischief on a lunging line, although he wasn’t trying to lunge him. He was letting him meander around the paddock.

  Mischief’s coat was brushed to a gloss and glinted under the sun. He kept turning his head and trying to bite at the saddle pad Jackson had carefully placed on his back. If I was being honest with myself, I was more mesmerized by watching Jackson than Mischief. With his jeans sitting low on his hips and his T-shirt discarded, his bronzed skin gleamed in the sun. Of course he was a sight to behold. I could look at him for days and never tire of the view.

  Yet, his obscenely fit body wasn’t what had me so enraptured. No, it was his patience and gentleness with the half-wild horse. It had been probably ten years since I’d ridden a horse. After I finished high school, I simply hadn’t had the time, nor the funds.

  If I hadn’t been friends with Ash growing up, it’s doubtful I’d have ever had a chance to ride as much as I did. I was curious to know if Jackson intended to train Mischief for English or Western-style riding. I knew from Ash that Jackson did both. I personally preferred English-style riding because that meant jumping, which I loved. Recalling Mischief’s easy jump over the four-foot high fence surrounding the pasture, I didn’t doubt he would take to that easily.

  I’d spent the last twenty minutes or so watching Jackson groom Mischief and then carefully lay the saddle pad on Mischief’s back. He finally cinched it on with a lightweight cotton girth. After that point, Mischief wasn’t too thrilled that he couldn’t shake off the saddle pad. I laughed when he nipped at it again before turning to look at Jackson.

  If it weren’t for that crazy kiss last night, I would be out there right now, asking Jackson questions. But, I wasn’t quite sure what to do right now. A funny thing had happened though. Seeing as I’d sworn off men, I expected myself to back down after my temporary insanity last night. But I didn’t want to. Not at all.

  Jackson would be the perfect man to get me over my irrational fear of sex. I wasn’t afraid of sex, not exactly. I was just unsettled, restless and far too worried about it. The chemistry burning between Jackson and me was hot enough I thought perhaps it might override my anxiety.

  With Jackson, I wasn’t worried about him suddenly getting rough. He was a good man, down to the bone. After the details I gleaned from Dani, I figured I could assume he didn’t want a relationship any more than I did. That made it even more perfect. It didn’t need to be complicated with expectations.

  Somehow, Jackson made me forget the layers and layers of insecurity that had piled on in the aftermath of what happened with Clint.

  After a few more minutes of watching, I turned and headed outside. I might as well just do what I wanted. I didn’t need to surreptitiously watch. Sure, I wanted to be closer to Jackson and might just have to
hold myself back from staring at his glorious chest, but I was curious and wanted to see what his plans were for Mischief. I liked that little horse. He’d already burrowed into my heart, and I hoped like hell Jackson didn’t intend to try to find someone else to take him.

  Striding out of the farmhouse, I approached the paddock situated between the barn and pasture. “Hey there,” I called as I leaned against the railing.

  Jackson turned and lifted his hand in a wave. Meanwhile, Mischief came trotting over, yanking the lunging lead out of Jackson’s hands. I laughed when Mischief reached me. Glancing past him, I caught Jackson’s eye as he approached. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to distract him.”

  Jackson grinned and shrugged. “A bird flying through the sky distracts him.”

  I reached out to scratch behind Mischief’s ears. Jackson stopped by the fence. When I looked over at him, I instantly came to the conclusion he should not be allowed to walk around without his shirt on.

  “Really?” Jackson countered, a devilish glint entering his eyes.

  Apparently, I actually said that thought out loud. Fuck my life. It was too late to try to repair that blunder. I shrugged, as nonchalantly as possible. “I can’t be the first person who’s mentioned that.”

  “Uh, you are,” Jackson replied, a slow grin stretching across his face.

  My cheeks were on fire. “Oh well. I hope you don’t see your vet appointments like that, at least.”

  He threw his head back with a laugh. “No. I keep my shirt on for vet appointments. I don’t know why you’re worried about that, though. It’s not like my animal patients care about what I’m wearing.”

  “Oh, it’s not the animals I’m worried about. Anyway,” I said brightly, deciding an abrupt change in subject was in order,” I was curious how it’s going with Mischief.”

  With me idly stroking his neck, Mischief had finally stopped trying to bite at the saddle pad.

  Jackson slid his hand over Mischief’s rump before checking the tension on the girth. “I’m gonna take this off now because he’s not actually biting at it. It went about as well as expected with him. He’s an easygoing guy, but super curious. Certainly not the worst horse I’ve tried to train.”

  “Can I help?” My question flew out. As soon as it did, I wanted to take it back. Because I wanted this. Perhaps a bit too much.

  Jackson answered easily. “Of course. Might as well. He likes you anyway. Ever broken a half-wild horse?”

  I shook my head. “I haven’t ridden since I used to ride here with Ash. I rode a few green ponies, but that’s about it. Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.”

  Jackson was simply looking at me. The moment my words came out, his eyes darkened. “Well, right now, I just want him to put up with the saddle pad for about fifteen minutes every day. He’s so green, all he’s used to is a halter and a lead. We’ll take it nice and slow.”

  With the saddle pad in hand, he reached up and unbuckled Mischief’s halter. “Mind hanging onto this for a minute?” he asked, holding up the halter and saddle pad.

  I reached across the fence. “Of course not.” My fingers brushed Jackson’s as I curled my hand around the halter, a hot zing of electricity racing up my arm.

  “Come on, buddy,” he said to Mischief, running his hand over his back. “Let’s get you out with your friends for the afternoon.”

  Mischief followed him over to the gate that led out to the full pasture. Just like yesterday when I arrived, as soon as Jackson opened the gate, Mischief lifted his head and took off at a quick trot, aiming straight for the horses gathered in the corner of the pasture in a shady area near a small pond.

  Jackson stepped out of the paddock, checking to make sure the gate was latched before walking to my side and fetching the halter and saddle pad from me. The moment he was close, my pulse did a little dance. I remembered the feel of his hard body against mine, the mere thought of it sending a rush of heat through me and my sex clenching in response.

  “Come on, I’ll show you where we keep the tack and whatnot.”

  I followed him into the cool, quiet of the barn. In here, they had the horses downstairs, with offices for the vet clinic upstairs. This barn hadn’t been here before. It was built into a slope with the parking lot to the vet clinic level with the upper floor. The downstairs had two rows of stalls with a wide aisle in between, and storage rooms along another hallway, that portion of the structure built into the slope.

  I loved the smell of a barn—the scent of hay, a hint of leather lingering in the air, and the earthy scents of horses and grain. A little bird flew by, chirping as it landed in a small nest on a shelf above one of the stalls.

  Jackson’s eyes flicked up with a wry grin. “The birds do as they please, and I leave them be. Ash gave me a lecture one year when I tried to deal with a few too many nests. They shit everywhere, but otherwise, it’s no bother.”

  Leading me into the hallway at the back, he pushed open a door. We stepped into a room with shelving and bins along one wall, and tack hanging on the other with saddle racks and hooks for bridles and more. It was quite organized.

  Jackson hung the halter on a hook by the door and tossed the saddle pad onto a stack of them on a shelf. “This is where you’ll find all kinds of odds and ends, including the feed. We don’t ride a whole lot around here anymore. We have a few horses we use for trail rides for the guests, but the rest are rescues, so it’s a crapshoot whether they’re even trained. Wish I had more time to ride, but it’s hit or miss unless I have a project like Mischief. Think you can handle doing what I did today on your own?”

  “You mean trying the saddle pad with him?”

  “That’s it.”

  “In that case, yes,” I replied.

  We were standing beside the door, which had shut behind us on a spring hinge. I became acutely aware of just how close we happened to be standing. There was perhaps a foot separating us. The moment my awareness struck, a riff of sensation traveled over my skin, my body tightening in anticipation.

  “I meant to ask you about something else,” Jackson said.

  “What’s that?”

  “How do you feel about office work?”

  “Feel?”

  “We could use some help with the office stuff. It falls to the wayside, especially when Ash isn’t here. I’d be more than grateful for anything you can do to help,” he explained with a sheepish smile.

  I suddenly felt insecure, uncertain if there had been a conversation about money and me staying here. “Look, I don’t have any rent money right now, but give me a couple months, and I’m sure I can scrounge something up for work.”

  Jackson stared at me blankly. “Huh?”

  “I’m happy to do office work and anything else you need. I’ll work for free,” I added hurriedly.

  Jackson still had that blank look on his face. Cocking his head to the side, he replied, “I’m not asking you to work for free. Any work you do here, you’ll be paid for.”

  “I will?”

  “Shay, almost everybody who works here lives here. You don’t think I don’t pay anybody, do you?”

  Embarrassment washed through me, my cheeks getting hot. Shifting on my feet, I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “I didn’t know. Look, I don’t know how much Remy told you—or Ash, for that matter—but I really need this. I don’t want it to seem like I’m taking advantage and just assuming I could stay here without pulling my weight. I didn’t know if I needed to pay rent.”

  Jackson was quiet for a few beats before he nodded slowly. “Fair enough. Well, I expected we would be paying you for any work you did. For almost everyone else who works here, lodging is part of the deal. So, it’s the same for you. I guess I assumed Ash explained this to you.”

  “Really?” Although I was still swimming in mortification—for being in the mess I was in, for needing help this much, for carrying the weight of shame and worthlessness Clint had saddled me with—I was almost giddy with relief.

  Jackson chuckled soft
ly. “Look, when Ash and I decided to try to do this after Dad passed away, we wanted to do it right. So, we pay people well and staff get lodging if they need it. The lodge more than covers the costs. The rescue doesn’t make any money, but it pays for itself. We have donations to help with that. Any office work you can help with would be amazing. Trust me, I’m not offering it up just to give you something to do. I’m asking because I’m too damn busy, and I hate it. Ash helps out when she’s around, but lately, she hasn’t been around too much.”

  I sensed Jackson probably had an opinion about that, but I figured now wasn’t the time to bring it up. “Well, I’m happy to help. I actually like office stuff. Whatever you need, I’ll take care of it. I hate being bored.”

  Jackson’s lips kicked up into a smile. “I know that feeling.”

  As he stood there, looking at me, an electric heat washed over me. My skin was tingling, my belly alive with butterflies. It was quiet in the small room, and I became keenly aware of the energy suspended in the air. Jackson’s presence was strong. He was hardened, roughened around the edges, exuding a quiet intensity.

  “Shay…” he began. His voice fell into the quiet.

  I didn’t wait to hear what he had to say next.

  Chapter Ten

  Shay

  The old me, the brave, teasing me, made her presence known. I wanted to nudge Jackson, to remind him just how hot our kiss had been last night. All it took was one step, and I was right there. “Kiss me,” I said.

  Jackson’s nostrils flared, and his eyes widened slightly before narrowing. “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.”

  “I think it’s a great idea,” I countered, a corner of my mind watching in amazement. I reached out, placing my palm on his chest. I knew I hadn’t been imagining he was aroused. My hips bumped his, and I felt his hard arousal. A part of me startled, but I ignored it, focusing instead on the heat blooming from my core.